Spectre Teaser Breakdown

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A teaser does what it says – teases. Don’t expect any major insights, this is a mood piece to whet the appetite of James Bond fans for Spectre, the 24th installment in the series, and Daniel Craig’s fourth “go”. By the looks of things, his entire run is going to be tied up in one loosely overarching story, of an agent’s rise, battle with personal demons, and maybe (shock! horror!) fall, in his final film to come? Without further ado, let’s take a not too serious look at what Spectre has in store.

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First off, a ruddy great hole in the MI6 Vauxhall Cross HQ, left over from when Silva hacked its system and left the gas on in Skyfall, indicating this film follows not too long after. It looks like BakeGate – somebody stop Q, before he chucks it in the bin.

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Moneypenny (Naomie Harris), delivering Bond’s last remaining assets from the blown to smithereens Skyfall lodge. “You’ve got a secret,” says the mistress of the bleedin’ obvious. He’s a spy, love.

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But hang on, she’s right! According to this temporary order of guardianship (placing young orphaned James from the care of his aunt Charmain to that of Hannes Oberhauser, trusted ski instructor to the Bond family), he was 12 in 1983, the time of his parents Andrew and Monique’s death. That makes James Bond 44 (to tie in with the shortened time frame between Skyfall and Spectre, as opposed to the real world difference in filming). In Casino Royale‘s 007 military dossier, his date of birth was April 13th, 1968, the same age thereabouts as Daniel Craig. This now means Daniel Craig’s Bond is the only one to get younger as he visibly ages. And to boot, Bond is now younger than me!

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Now, I’m not sure who that is with young Master Bond. It could be his father, with Oberhauser the face obscured by the burnt edging. Some have speculated the man is Oberhauser himself, and the obscured face is Franz Oberhauser (later Christoph Waltz), his son, but he looks too tall to me.

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A wider shot of Bond examining the artifacts. Note the china bulldog bequeathed to him by the late M (Judy Dench). I’m surprised he’s so sentimental, seeing as she sold his posh London gaff out from under his feet when he was believed dead from Moneypenny’s careless shot in Skyfall. Presumably he’s just moved into a new place. I wonder will Albert Finney’s Kincade move down and take over housekeeping duties from the unseen May (Bond’s housekeeper in the novels). Bad Scottish accent – “Welcome to Chelsea!

By the way, I never took Bond for much of a reader – he’s surrounded by books here. Presumably stuff like “Krav Maga For Beginners“, and “Restoring Vintage Cars” – he’ll probably need that…

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Just drink this image in for a moment. Bond approaching a cabin by a chilly lake somewhere in a tiny boat. The gorgeous cinematography is by Hoyte Van Hoytema (Interstellar).

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I’m reliably informed the shot invokes the short Ian Fleming story Octopussy, where¬†Bond tracks down the killer of Hannes Oberhauser. More like Fjord Eyes Only here, am I right?

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Bond enters the cabin on the shore, counting crows (just out of shot, don’t worry, you’ll catch them in the trailer). The only time you’ll see Bond’s name and that of a popular beat combo in the same sentence here. ¬†Lose the beanie James, you’re 00 Bond, not 00 Beckham.

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Monica Belluci (Lucia Sciarra), lovely in her widow’s weeds. But a mysterious someone is also in the congregation – we’ll sort of see him at the end…

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If that’s a chessboard James is placing a SPECTRE signifier on, has he exposed his ringpiece?

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You’re a KITE (not THAT word), dancing in a hurricane, Mr Bond.” Wait a bloomin’ minute, that’s Jasper Christensen’s Mr White from Casino Royale and Quantum Of Solace, looking like Wurzel Gummidge on a bad c**t, sorry, kite flying day. We all thought we heard him say that, right? “You always were a cunning linguist…” Has SPECTRE gobbled up QUANTUM? (Enough double entendres – Ed).

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Now this is lovely. James Bond moves through a mysterious board meeting – SPECTRE meets The Illuminati? And who’s that sitting at the head of the table? Looks and sounds (although I’m sure the voice is lifted from another scene) like Christoph Waltz in the shadows. Is his Oberhauser (Dr Evil finger to mouth) ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD???!!!

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And what’s the gizmo to Waltz’s left on the table, beside the papers? A means to make Bond helplessly watch SPECTRE’s devious plan unfold? “You can watch it all on Google Glass.”

Colour me excited and intrigued. Can’t wait for the full trailer, with more action and quips (We’re assured the teaser isn’t representative of the overall tone of the film). England (and the world) expects, James. Don’t disappoint (Not NOW, Rog!)

SPECTRE ALTERNATE

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