10. Quantum of Solace
How do you follow an action packed and exciting rejuvenation of James Bond? With the filmic equivalent of a weak piss into an empty water bottle that you then throw from a car during a tired camping trip. Not a terrible film by any means, just incredibly MEH.
Bond spends the majority of the film moping around like a vegan at an abattoir. We don’t want to see James Bond sulking or being moody. It’s not really his “thing”. I want Bond necking with Fiona Fullerton or ski-jumping off of a burning bus. Not having long boring conversations about feelings. This is James Bond, not James Blunt.
The opening car chase
9. Tomorrow Never Dies
Brosnan’s second outing as Bond really isn’t that bad, it has some cracking moments contained within, sadly, it also has some shite. Let’s start by saying I loved Goldeneye. Before it came out I was really fearing the worst, like when Colin Baker stepped out of the Tardis, but by jingo they did it! It was a great return to form for the franchise.
In Tomorrow Never Dies there is a contender for the worst Bond villain of all time: Elliot Carver (played by a clearly deranged Jonathon Pryce). Carver is a smug, wheezy tippy-tapping bell end of the highest order. Imagine Goldfinger attempting to sound menacing to Bond whilst endlessly typing away on a type writer, alright, we get it, you like news and stuff, but stop fucking typing. I like to think that the character Jonathon Pryce played in Jumping Jack Flash turned into Elliot Carver. How do you think Whoopi would have reacted knowing she saved the life of the world’s biggest turd? I think a more fitting end to Carver would be him falling onto his own keypad and it going so far up his arse that it kills him.
To make matters worse, Q arrives at the start of Bond’s mission looking like he is being powered by the Henson creature workshop. This is also the Bond film in which the exchanges between Bond and Moneypenny turn into sordidness rather than subtlety, which leaves a rather sour taste in your mouth as you imagine them getting it on, but more of that later.
The motorbike chase
Any scene with Elliot Carver
8. The Man With the Golden Gun
Roger Moore’s second bond film is great, full of great moments and a really good villain in Christopher Lee’s Scaramanga. So, why is it in this top 10? I hear you ask. Well, like a bewildered old man, it has a 20 minute lapse and becomes confused as to whether it is an action film or Smokey and the Bandit.
Good news for fans of the annoying sheriff who very nearly ruined Live and Let Die, he is back, but this time on holiday in Thailand. He bumps into Bond (what are the chances?) and joins him in an epic adventure culminating in to my mind the best car stunt ever committed to celluloid. It is a great shame then that the film makers in their wisdom chose to accompany this great stunt with a fucking lame swanny whistle. It would have been easier to just show someone shitting on the stunt driver, at least then he didn’t have to risk anything other than a dry cleaning bill.
Sadly, that whole section of the film puts me off ever wishing to see it in its entirety, while not as bad as Elliot Carver when written down, it’s just the fact that they ruined a great stunt with that awful sound effect. Ah, I can hear it now.
That Car Stunt
That Car Stunt
7. The World is Not Enough
Brosnan returns with another effort (oh, stop it now). There are seeds of a great film here, a villain that feels no pain and a nice twist on the Bond girl. Sadly, when casting this film, the film makers chose to cast a busty air head who can barely talk (and sounds like Napoleon Dynamite was her speech therapist) as a Nuclear Scientist. It doesn’t take a Nuclear Scientist to tell you that this is a bad move. In fact, if she was playing a pizza delivery girl you would seriously doubt she could find a house or where the Pizza is or what a Pizza is.
To compound that error they call her Dr. Christmas Jones (!?!??!!) For the sole reason (as far as I can see) so that they may tell the “Christmas only comes once a year” joke. Really? Why not call her Professor Cocksucker Slagbag?
If you think that the writers (Neil Purvis and Robert Wade) had quite finished ruining Bond, they hadn’t even got started. You know how Robbie Coltrane was great in Goldeneye? Well they bring his character back, and guess what? He is shite now. He has also hired Goldie (not from Blue Peter) to be his henchman/assistant/resident bad actor.
Then, we have Q appearing, once again looking like he is actually held together with wires. He mutters some awful dialogue about how he always told Bond to, “Never let them see you bleed“. Great advice. If I was Bond I would have offered some advice of my own, “Never let them see you when you look 100 and can barely stand on your own.”
Never fear readers, John Cleese arrives and paves the way for his taking the Q role (More later about this), and he is awful. One of the funniest things old Q says is when Bond takes his rubbish action man boat out onto the Thames. Q pipes up and says something about it being his fishing boat for his holiday. He doesn’t look like he could get into a bath, never mind a boat that shoots torpedoes, fully submerges and goes at high speeds. At this point it would be more believable if Q was actually just a corpse.
M is also kidnapped towards the end and fails to escape from a cupboard, this speaks volumes about the state of the secret service in my opinion, still, at least she didn’t leave her lap top in a tapas bar.
Bond’s cold assassination of of Electra
The Christmas Joke
6. For Your Eyes Only
The Bond film that Roger Moore didn’t want to do, and it really shows. It is said that when John Glen took over as directer and wanted to bring a harder edge to Bond, he failed. This film begins with Bond mourning at his wife’s grave, suddenly a helicopter picks him up, and this is where the problems begin. The helicopter is being piloted by a bald man with his back turned, this is supposed to be Blofeld (Whom the rights to use were no longer the film maker’s, so it was a not so subtle joke, and a shit one) but you never see his face. He kills the helicopter pilot and controls the copter remotely. Bond takes control of the copter by way of stunts and to cut a shite story short picks up Blofeld and drops him down a chimney. All the while this is happening you are sat there open mouthed. Really??
Then you get Sheena Easton singing her bland Bond theme and appearing in the titles, good God.
When I was young I was annoyed that he blew up that cool Lotus and then did the obligatory chase in a Citroen pram thing, lame as hell. Talking of lame, Topol is in this film, need I say more?
One of the main problems with the film (apart from a 12 year old girl lusting over a 60 year old man) is that it is instantly forgettable in every way possible, from the theme tune to the score to the bad guy and to the ending (don’t get me started with the Maggie Thatcher impression).
Oh dear, well, where to start here? You could start with the Tarzan roar as he swings on vines? Telling a Tiger to “Hiss off”? Bond dressed as a clown? The women fighting? Bond arriving in a Union Jack hot air balloon? Fighting with a tennis racket? The little plane coming out of the horses arse? That is all that needs to be said really, again I am overcome with the general sense of monotony and mediocrity.
Watching this film again, I was taken with just how bad the attempts to be funny are here, like Bond zooming in via a video camera on a girls breasts over and over again, like a Benny Hill sketch, but he doesn’t just zoom in, he zooms in and out over and over again. I quite expected to find him wanking when it cut back to him, sadly he wasn’t. Can I go home yet?
The boob zoom
Has to be the Tarzan swing.
4. A View to a Kill
You know it is a bad Bond film when you have Bond snowboarding along to music by the Beach Boys.
Christopher Walken is clearly having fun playing Zorin, he is probably “method acting” to combat Moore’s questionable performance, as in this film Bond displays every attribute undersireable in a spy, namely no desire to remain incognito at any point; forgetting his own lies; inventing new ones anyway; putting every-one’s life in danger and looking far too old. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ageist, I am glad that Bond can still get about when he is 68, but during the film I could hear this noise all the time and when I investigated further I realised it was the boundaries of credibility stretching to breaking point. You wouldn’t know he was 68 though, he had lots of stamina, for instance he chased a lady up the Eiffel tower, that’s amazing. My father is 68 and can only get as far as the front gate without having to stop to catch his breath.
I also liked it when he ruined that couple’s wedding on the boat by flying through the roof onto their wedding cake, knocking over young and old alike, causing colossal damage and ruining lives. Did he apologize for this? No, he simply left them with the words “congratulations” while handing them a piece of their own ruined wedding cake. Well in my book, that’s the behaviour of a prize wanker and no mistake. Though he does have one lead – he sneaks into Max Zorin’s house for a horse auction or something, using the name St John Smythe, a cunning name, doesn’t stick out at all, since no one has used the name St John since 1856. He instantly arouses suspicion, that’s the kind of spy you want, one who makes everyone suspicious of him.
The car chase in Paris.
Bond waiting in bed for Mayday. Ewww.
3. Never Say Never Again
Legend has it that when Connery was asked to do this film he said he would never do another one, it is then rumoured that his wife said “Never say never again..” and this inspired him to do this lump of arse meat. I know it is not an official Bond film, but it is well and truly eligible for this list. Never mind that it is just a bad remake of Thunderball, it really is very bad indeed. Someone must have thought that to get around the problem of Connery looking old, they would simply put so much make up on him that he looks like he is gearing up for a tour of The Mikado. Watching him necking with a very young Kim Basinger is like seeing Goldilocks give mouth to mouth to a dying turkey.
Next time Sean, say Never again, for fuck’s sake.
Felix and Bond jet packing up and down for no reason what so ever.
Sean in any bright lights, yikes.
Star Wars came along in 1977 and changed the world. Every other film was ripping it off to trying to cash in. Bond was no different. So James Bond would be going into space, with mixed results. The end result was a truly bizarre film with little to no redeeming qualities. However the moment that really stands out is when Bond has his own gondola that turns into a speedboat and a hovercraft. So good is this gondola that a pigeon does a (very badly edited to look like) double take as he mounts the pavement and drives through St Marks Square. Moonraker is such a bad/good film that I had a hard time even putting it in this list.
Oh, and the Bond girl is called Holly Goodhead, nice.
1. Die Another Day
At least the others had an excuse, they tried and failed, some were trying to emulate current trends and keep up with the youth, others did not have the dramatically inflated budget of Die Another Day. This is a film that was up its own arse so far it made you want to juggle infected needles. It was so self satisfied and smug about being self referential that the writers just flung together any old plot and then really put in the work attempting to the canon – despite the fact that the villains plot sailed very close to a rejected Mr. Burns scheme from The Simpsons.
John Cleese’s hilarious Q pops up again to annoy the fuck out of you (I suspect the “Q” stands for Qunt) and produces the worst Bond gadget ever created, an invisible car which may as well be a magic wand.
This film has the worst Bond villain ever committed to screen in Gustav Graves, a cross between the cheshire cat and Charles Kennedy. He spends most of the film smiling like he is being blown under the table by a fleet of the world’s best prostitutes. For his opening gambit he informs us he never sleeps because, as they say in fencing, “what’s the point?” This is revealed while he is being quizzed by a team of reporters who for all intents and purposes appear to be wandering, confused escaped lunatics with notepads.
He is also being knighted. Now being English I know that these days you don’t really have to have really achieved a great deal to get knighted, but really. One can only assume he is officially the world’s biggest bell end, in which case that must be good for British industry and tourism, so I’m all for it, Knight the fucker.
Graves has two of the worst Bond henchmen to feature in a film that isn’t a student one. First there is Zang, he has diamonds in his face (that’s it for his character development) and then there is Mr. Kill. When Bond meets Mr. Kill he proclaims “Now there’s a name to die for“. Now if you were called Mr. Kill, I bet you’d hear jokes about your name all the time. Bond is supposed to be a wit, not a prick.
I must also mention Madonna and her horrible cameo. A cameo which (much like her song) is only memorable for how appallingly bad it is, like a terror atrocity or a chemical fire at an orphanage.
At the start of the film we are shown Bond using a virtual reality training system via a pair of sunglasses. This is a brilliant set up for the end of the film in which we see Moneypenny and Bond embrace and begin to steamy. Moneypenny is then caught by John Cleese’s Qunt using said glasses to engage in some erotic fantasy. Is this really how 40 years of gentle flirtation will culminate? In the early films Bond and Moneypenny flirt in a nice cheeky way. There was mutual respect. Even when Dalton got lumbered with that weird Moneypenny he playfully slapped her on the bum now and again. But all those moments of playful flirting result in a seedy session of Chat Roulette. Oh dear.
Originally posted 2014-02-13 08:15:58. Republished by Blog Post Promoter